Leaving Harbour

(final paragraph of)
Introduction: twenty years on, from "The Outsider; the classic study of alienation, creativity and the modern mind"

And how do I feel about The Outsider in retrospect? In order to answer that question I settled down the other day to re-read it and found it impossible to gain a sense of perspective. It still prodcues in me the same feeling of excitement and impatience that I experienced as I sketched the outline plan on that Christmas Day of 1954. Why impatience? Because it aroused some enormous anticipation. At the time, I mistook this for anticipation of success (for somehow, I never had the slightest doubt that it would be a success). Now, I recognize it for what it was: the realization that I had at last settled down to the serious business of living: that after the long-drawn-out and messy years of childhood, and the teenage agonies of self-conciousness, I had at least ceased to waste my time; I was starting to do what I was always intended to do. There was a feeling like leaving harbour. It made no difference that the critics later tried to take back what they'd said about the book. They couldn't take back the passport they'd given me.

-Colin Wilson